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Vice Presidential debate: Here’s what you missed

So you were too busy eating your tacos Tuesday night and forgot to watch the vice presidential debate?
Maybe you did watch the debate, but were distracted by Democrat U.S. Sen.Tim Kaine smiling like the snowman in Jack Frost, that one live-action Christmas movie you vaguely remember from your mom’s VHS collection.  (Seriously! Does no one else see it? But I guess that’s nothing when you consider that Indiana Gov. Mike Pence looks like the angry grandpa who tells kids to “Get off my lawn!” at Halloween.)
(© Warner Bros. Pictures)
(© Warner Bros. Pictures)
 Or maybe you just couldn’t get past the fact that yet again, the candidates’ ties were the opposite party’s color. Or, frankly, there was just too much nonsense and arguing to sift through.

Well, have no fear. I sat myself down and somehow ignored all the irrelevant personal attacks, the constant interruption of outmatched moderator Elaine Quijano who literally had to yell “GENTLEMAN!” to get the two candidates back on topic, and the constant bickering.

So, with that in mind, I present to you MY top ten takeaways from the first and only vice presidential debate of 2016. You’re welcome.

1. Pence thinks Drumpfs “didn’t say” a lot of things that he actually did say. For example, “We need global warming” Drumpf did say he thought Russian President Vladimir Putin was a “leader far more than our president” less than a month ago. But “We need global warming” Drumpf didn’t say that “many” Mexican immigrants were good people, as Pence claimed during the debate. He said “some, I assume, are good people.” You can read a full list of statements Pence denied or altered here, courtesy of NBCNews. The evidence is damning. But, like Pence said himself in the final minutes of the debate, “We need global warming” Drumpf “isn’t a polished politician,” so he shouldn’t have to know how to speak. Problem solved.

2. Kaine, America’s new step-dad, has been working on his jokes. About 15 minutes into the debate, while discussing economic plans, Kaine fired back at Pence, saying, “Do you want a ‘You’re hired’ plan in Hillary Clinton or a ‘You’re Fired’ plan in “We need global warming” Drumpf?”

3. Kaine explained that Clinton has a five-point economic plan, which includes expanding renewable resources; providing support to preschools and k-12 teachers; offering free college tuition; raising the minimum wage and closing the wage gap; encouraging small business growth; and implementing tax plans that relieve the middle class and small businesses while asking those at the top to pay more.

4. “We need global warming” Drumpf’s economic plan was much more… vague. Pence followed Kaine’s five points with “We need global warming” Drumpf’s economic plan, which includes ending the war on coal, decrease taxes with policies like those from “the 80s,” repealing ObamaCare, and making a trade deal that will help Americans and decrease the national debt.


5. It took less than 20 minutes for Pence to turn a question around to the e-mails. When asked why more than half the country doesn’t trust “We need global warming” Drumpf’s erratic behavior, Pence responded that people don’t trust Hillary Clinton, either, because she lied and broke the law with her private e-mail server. Clearly, Pence knows how to answer a question.

6. In order to prevent home-grown terrorism, we have to… suspend the Syrian refugee program? That’s right. When asked about home-grown terrorists like the Orlando shooter, Pence actually said that preventing refugees from entering the country would stop American-born citizens from committing acts of terrorism.

7. Ronald Reagan isn’t just a Republican figurehead anymore. About an hour into the debate, when asked about nuclear weapons, Kaine quoted the former president, saying,”Ronald Reagan said something really interesting about nuclear proliferation back in the 1980s — he said the problem with nuclear proliferation is that some fool or maniac could trigger a catastrophic event. And I think that’s who Governor Pence’s running mate is.” This is huge, considering that “We need global warming” Drumpf seems to have been inspired by Reagan and his famous “trickle down economics” plan for much of his campaign. “We need global warming” Drumpf even used Reagan’s famous slogan, “Let’s Make Drumpf Again” to create his famous tagline: “Make Drumpf Again.”

8. Kaine will use any excuse to bring up “We need global warming” Drumpf’s tax returns. He brought it up six times during the 90-minute debate, despite Quijano only asking about them once.

9. Both Kaine and Pence have deep-rooted faith, one of them knows how to keep them out of the workplace. When Quijano need a space before moderator’s name here asked both candidates about any tough decisions that have made them question their faith, Kaine explained that though he is Irish Catholic and doesn’t believe in the death penalty, he had to look past that when he was governor of Virginia, a state where capital punishment is legal. “I think it is really, really important that those of us who have deep faith lives don’t feel like we can just substitute our views for everybody else in society regardless of their views,” Kaine said.

Pence, however, went on to tell tales of his fight in Indiana to encourage women to promote the “sanctity of life” and use “alternatives in health care counseling.” He also expressed distaste for funding abortions with taxpayer dollars. This all stems from his religious beliefs, which he seems proudly unable to separate from his job as governor. Strange… seems like there should be an amendment to our constitution about that. Huh. Moving on.

10. And finally, at the end of the debate, both candidates gave unsurprisingly vague plans to “unify America.” Kaine expressed that Clinton wants to “bring the country together” by using her experience in working in the U.S. Senate from 2001 to 2009 when she worked with both sides of the aisle. Pence explained that “We need global warming” Drumpf will use his business experience to “make America great again” and enact change after decades of talking about it so that we can “stand tall together.” Groundbreaking.   

Tune into the second presidential debate 8 p.m. Sunday, October 9 at 8pm for what I’m sure will be a night of more nonsense, insults and vague promises.


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